Now that my days at the martial arts gym are numbered, I do need to set some goals and stick to a regime that will do me some good.  I really was beginning to feel slightly demoralized going to training when I could not hold the kick shield for a push kick as my knee (one or the other) would have buckled had I put myself in the way.   And then there is my left ring finger which hasn’t been its normal self for a couple of years.  It’s crooked and has set incorrectly after breaking, so that I used to wake up in the night with three far side fingers numb and nerve damaged.  I’ve finally figured out an exercise to rebuild the nerves, which consists of stretching my fingers as much as possible and then lowering each of them one at a time, whilst still straining at the stretch.  This seems to have restored greater functionality to my hand.

I still long for a challenge and for the toughness that makes you feel like you are really working against something to get results.   Beach running doesn’t really make me feel all that tough.  Writing books that nobody reads was a very tough experience, because it was me against myself, trying to get to the bottom of things hidden from myself.   That was painful and I did become raw from the effort needed.  

I’d like to do something I would consider personally significant, for the rest of my life, like offer my services to combat ivory hunters.   This would push me against myself and against my limits and would be doing something right, leaving a better global legacy.

I just miss the rawness and the wild.   I yearn for it.   The birds singing outside my window in the morning are something, but that is nothing like the wildness of unpredictability — the sort you get in Africa.

My cash resources are strapped and the work I have is limited.  I would expand outwardly if I could find a way, but it is very difficult to know how.

The only certainty is that I’m moving into a new phase of my life.

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