That restriction has really been very, very intense, and I am only understanding now just how extreme. It’s very, very difficult for me to feel the full range of sensations. I can do it in areas of my psyche that were not damaged by extreme Christianity (which causes one to shamanize). I can — paradoxically enough — have very voluptuous and connected sexual relationships, since this part of my psyche was never damaged by the extreme Christianity that destroyed other parts. But to keep the channel open to myself at all times is tough.
Once, somebody whom I had trusted as a friend laid into me with great hostility. After that, I was unable to access myself for about five years. I could read my work but it seemed like someone else had written it because I just couldn’t get inside of it anymore.
Gradually, through withdrawing from society, I was able to thaw again, but this took time. Any new injury can take a long time for recovery. Red wine always can be an effective facilitator, but alcohol is also a depressant.
I have come to understand more about how this right-wing Christianity has done me harm from the perspective of observing how I have changed over time, from the outside — but also from the position of someone trying to break out. People, it is said, usually have a core to their beings that is self-involved — that which we can call it primeval narcissism. It is assumed by contemporary theorists that they have to train themselves to have appreciation for others. In truth, I was locked out from myself and had to get back in.
I don’t like Christianity or Judeo-Christian constructs, even today, as they produce this mental blocking in me, which is very dangerous for me. Too much of that and I can overheat. One has to be able to emote as a basic function of human physiology.
*ONE SIGNIFICANT POINT IS THAT BY DOING A LOT OF SHAMANIC WORK THIS YEAR, I WAS FINALLY ABLE TO ACCESS MY MEMOIR AGAIN, AND THOROUGHLY. That is something I have never been able to achieve before — I always only had partial access until this year.
Still, I am very allergic to Christian environments, though, as they lock me in, emotionally. They lead to a deadening or numbing effect. I start to feel unsure of myself. I like Asian environments instead, as these are often untouched by Christianity.