stiff upper lip X2

I am exactly the opposite to the effusive feminine archetype.  Do you know how the British aristocracy are often said to sport a stiff upper lip?  Well the colonial British were like that times two.   We never cried about anything or showed much emotion, as that was considered to be deeply shameful and a sign that one was out of control.  For much of my life I had an inability to access emotion, due to this training.  It’s a very, very deep kind of training.  When I was made to cry through workplace bullying, I felt an enormous sense of shame, but the bosses there just said I was using tears to manipulate people.  For my part I understood that I was being treated like a feminine stereotype.  But honestly, I have to get into a state where I sink really low into my concsiousness, something like a state of self-hypnotism, and/or I can drink wine to facilitate greater access to and awareness of my emotional states, or otherwise I do not know what is happening.  i would say that the times I have been emotionally out of control in my life I could count on one hand, and the very worst thing I have done in that state was to break a bottle of chutney when I was 16.   I tend to endure a great deal and physically fall apart before I begin accessing emotions.  And then, when I do, I approach this difficulty as a project or a problem.  I don’t experience deeper emotional states spontaneously, although the lighter ones I do.
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