When I reached the lowest level, my sensation was that I was one of those tiny olde worlde ships on the high seas and that I just had to throw all sorts of my cargo overboard to survive the storm. So I threw out my professional expectations for myself and others, I threw out my moral expectations about social normality or niceness, I threw out what I had throught I knew about the world up until that point, anything that loaded me down. That was the only way I could survive — to have no expectations of anybody, but to start gaining knowledge and experience of the world from scratch. If I’d had expectations of any sort, my conscience would have condemned me for all sorts of failures, which would have taken psychical energy away from me that I desperately needed to restore my health. I couldn’t afford to load myself down with gult and responsiblities anymore. I needed to divert every bit of energy to recovering my healthy body.