numbing signifies trauma: “There is a part of my chronological continuous self that is missing. It has various reference points in memory, but none in feeling. I am unable to access the feelings and capacities of that self. It is the self that spans from about 12-16. During this time, I had more or less conformed to a fairly passive identity, since I had no idea how to make it in the world on my own.. I was wild at heart, but also desired — perhaps unsuccessfully in terms of my results — to be a peacemaker. I sought ways to engage others with my humor through creativity, but I also had a cultural notion that relationships should be harmonious.
When I tried to teach middle-school, I needed to access my self from this period of time, in order to teach people, I was unable to do so. My mirror cells respond to adult childishness and adult seriousness, but cannot react to this condition of being ‘in-between’ in people. In all, I cannot rediscover this condition of the in between inside myself. Instead, when I try, I feel numbness, and my throat begins to tighten. I also can’t relate to babies or small children.
I was, as has been said before, the victim of some extreme identity politics, which did not allow me to speak and express my mind, because my way of thinking (either obviously or just in the imagination of others) identified me as ‘white african’ — a quintessential social and political taboo on the automatic naturalness of simply being.