What’s your anti-whetstone? | Clarissa’s Blog

What’s your anti-whetstone? | Clarissa’s Blog

Alcohol is not a switch off button for me, but to the contrary it takes me deeper and deeper into my mind and allows me to sink. This is absolutely necessary for me because I have two-tiered soul and if I stay on the surface I live superficially and make bad decisions. Recently, I went camping and whilst lying in my small tent I got the impression that life is short and I should do what I had originally set out to do with my writing. I have found the topics I write about traumatising because my mind is not expansive enough to deal with them, or at least has not been until very recently. However, for a period of weeks now, I have gone really, really deeply into the trauma of my being. That has been really painful, because I reach a level of guilt and shame and complete ineptitude accompanied by a very vivid imagination and vivid dreams.
But then, even though I knew this kept happening, at the middle of the day, I would find myself once again just sitting on the surface of things and wondering what might have been, so I have to begin accessing my feeling sensations again. And then the superficial sensation is never enough and I have had to go deeper.
And after weeks of this, I suddenly pulled out my old writing, because the “spirits” had been warning me that time was short. I made some revisions from my more mature state of mind than I had had when I originally began writing. I faced down the trauma and managed to surprise myself that I had finally been able to do so with maturity. That night I slept with profound relaxation. The next days, too, the spirits had stopped tormenting me. I don’t have an urge to go deeper into myself anymore. I understand everything really very clearly.
And this is after, well…20 years? And it was only in the last couple of years that encountering my own thoughts in the deepest sense has been predictably full of anguish every time. It’s nice to have finally broken through from a situation that was getting increasingly worse for me over time, having been worn down, and having too many misadventures.
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