I caught sight of it slightly. My father came in one day and he made a statement about me, that he had found some guy at work who was quite lonely and a little sad. He’s like to match me up with him, since presumably I was lonely and a little sad. (You will have to bear in mind that you are hearing all of my father’s perspective in this, since I have not added my own, so these are his views you are taking in and maybe they could take you in as well, if you’re not careful — each one to his own.)
But anyway, I said, well how old is this guy, and he said, not that old, which meant, I would imagine that he was a little old or seemingly pathetic from a certain view.
And so I said, no that would be okay, because I didn’t want to be the handout my father was prepared to give to some guy he had found at work who looked a bit sad and pathetic.
But I also had my own life that was hidden from his view, and I had met a guy, it didn’t matter how old he was because I was thinking shamanically now.
But I imagine if I hadn’t been and if I had allowed myself to be browbeaten, beaten down, I would have ended up not with this one guy but with someone remarkably similar, a victim of the social order, cut down and sad and getting on in age and all sorts of lonely, victim of my father’s philanthropic good will (he and/or I).
Because linear people age so quickly, with their one track notions and their inability to jump the rails and simply be somewhere else at the same time. Mike may be decades older than I but I’m not that much his junior. I found him online.
But I couldn’t tell anyone that, no yet, because it would have been subject to dry, clerical corruption. I had to wait and bide my time. Keeping secrets.
People age when they conform to idiocies. I would have been a grey old nurse, tending my flowers, but not so much in the sharklike sense and more demure, accommodating.
Ah yes, if I had not shed my skin. Ah yes.
I would have had the old indentity no longer functional ……outgrown because rhodesia was outgrown but still the same as evah.
So this is your identity and don’t change it because. Original sin. (It means no changing of identities half-way; no shamanizing, which we call jumping the tracks.)
I guess that kind of linear life is good for some folks, very rational, very motionless compared to leaping all around, but not much to it if you trust the system to take care of you.
You end up just a little bit demented — marrying people because you take pity on them, rather than living your life.
Which was the life my father had planned out for me, because he felt it right to offer drops of charity to others, which included just his fellow man.