CHAPTER 12

So I sort of felt like I’d done battle with a thousand things, even though I probably hadn’t, it was just inside my head.  Coz first there were the types that wanted to control my mind including my emotional states and then there were the right wing types who felt I’d hurt them with my grave disgrace and then some other types as well that thought that ladies were just silly, all inside their heads, and other types as well.

I guess a weakened state is what attracts them — these types.  So I got to know these types.  I guess they got to know me as well, but not in a deep way and much more opportunistically.  So we were on familiar terms and they could report on me if they felt like it.
WE LIVE IN A DEMOCRACY.
So if you see something suspicious or not quite right you should go round telling other people.  Coz that is right.
I tell you though, I couldn’t tell Arthur from Martha, I guess I got my gender issues all screwed up, because I thought I’d have a say, a little whiny say, perhaps a squeeky little feminist say after all.
I thought so, too.  A democracy.
But I couldn’t have my say.  I stubbed my toe and now the world NEEDED TO KNOW.  I hurt my feeling and it fled from me.  I’ve no idea where it’s living now.
MIAOW.
So I was pretty stressed about things, to put it in a mild light.  All my body was fucked up and everything.
I had to put myself on an extremely restricted diet — only bland foods for you from now on — and still my stomach swelled like a balloon both day and night.
SQUEEK
And that was that.
I’d had a good life.  I’d learned a lot.  I think my best life was in Africa, not here.  But that was then and this is now.  I had to bridge myself into reality.
itself
which kept on trying to elude me.
SQUEEK
Because this is now and that was then.
MEW!
(I understand how much this can be irritating.)
So I did the defensive warfare thing from my fox hole.  Or my pot hole or whatnot.
That’s how I did it for a number of years, Buying time to figure it all out.
Because my father was furious with me.  HUGE DISGRACE.  My buttock.
He would rage and rage about it, even in my head.
A huge and crying shame.
Learning right from wrong in defensive warfare.  This could take some time.
I didn’t have a Western psyche and would have to build one.
This would take some time.
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