And to add a bit more, the only way I could truly manage to overcome my state of being spell bound by masculine awesomeness was to create my own awesomeness. I mean I had to create something that was so intense that it would mesmerize me differently, not in relation to others and their achievements, but in relation to myself. There was a stage in my life when I exposed myself to a lot of violent imagery to strengthen will will. That actually worked, I think, although facing death and violence is a costly way to achieve one’s self-liberation. Actually there were certainly no other remedies apart from home grown ones at my disposal. I’d tried absolutely everything else, especially talking.