Perhaps some of us are simply more protean in our natures than others are? This is another aspect of things that I have lately come to consider. I had thought the life and the environment one enters changes people. While this is true, perhaps people are generally less changed by factors such as these than I had thought. My own training in the humanities gives me a philosophy — a paradigm if you will — of human plasticity. But what of those brought up to feel that they have only one “soul” and that this soul is immutable?
I have been in touch with old school friends, whom I would have thought had experiences the bumps of life that bring about changes, like I have endured.
Yet where I expected change and the characterological complexity that comes from dealing with hard situations, I have not found a different philosophical attitude to have been wrought in the minds of my friends. They are more similar to their old selves, at least on appearance, than they are different.
For me, everything has changed. I used to be very nervous about a lot of things, and this quality of timorousness lasted with me up until my mid-twenties, when I found myself cornered in a ring, not even fully realising yet that I was in a fight, but with a switch in my head turning on, “fight back or die whilst still thinking about it.”
So, I’ve changed. And while these days I sometimes still feel a flicker of the quality which used to be me, when I move to act it’s almost like a different spirit has inhabited my brain and limbs. I feel the apprehensiveness that precedes doing something, but this flow of thought does not pass into my movements or actions, which have become slow, full of will and certainty, deliberate.
Yet, speaking to my old school friends who had expected the old me to appear — tender, passive and reactive — I sometimes wonder whether it is a betrayal that I can’t make her appear at all. I don’t know where this other person has gone. Am I faking being my present self? My limbs and mind just won’t react in socially awkward fashion they hadbeen used to.
Like this:
Like Loading...