I discovered that the culture here — or many in it — had the idea that I was some kind of racist nazi-type; also that I knew that this was my type, perhaps even that I didn’t show enough effort in making reparations for my “evil” nature, in order to be really invited in. One or two influential people obviously had a very westernised, narrow ego-based view of my identity. Even had they been without the inherent prejudice of such a view, most people here simply assumed that I was operating with the same narrow, ego-based conception of self which with they operated, as cultural “individuals” themselves.
I simply didn’t have that going on. I tried to be polite and wait for an explanation,- at times, I even asked quite plaintively for one — but nobody gave me any.I had no idea of what this individualistic game was, or that it was to be worked in this way, with each individual asserting their own narrowly defined ego-identities.
But after a long while, I became really stressed. Chronic fatigue. Extreme immune weakness and general debility. I couldn’t think clearly at times, probably because of an systemic candida infection. So, I didn’t have a chance to assimilate then either.
When I managed to recover from this to a large degree — I entered a workplace where I was bullied because of my origins and because I thought differently. That was when I began to read Nietzsche and get a clue about what the western ego identity was supposed to be all about. Unfortunately, perhaps, the salient idea of being an evil nazi-type also attracted me around this time. I was so pissed off by now. The anger I had been directing inwards, to the great cost of my health, now sought a more healthy outwards discharge.
Then I began to adopt the evil nazi persona to some degree. I thought I’d uncovered this society’s Achilles heel — moreover that this otherwise culturally apathetic, emotionally flattened society had shown me nothing but its Achilles heel, and furthermore had supplied me with the poison-arrow. This was really just a defensive screen for me, whilst I sought to find the underlying truth to my cultural and subjective pains.
Now I am semi-assimilated because I at least understand the western ego-ideal. I understand it, but I think that the most common version of it is very petty, and touches very little on the various experiences I have had so far, which are far-reaching and at times extreme experiences. I can’t forget them.