I discovered that the culture here — or many in it — had the idea that I was some kind of racist nazi-type; also that I knew that this was my type, perhaps even that I didn’t show enough effort in making reparations for my “evil” nature, in order to be really invited in. One or two influential people obviously had a very westernised, narrow ego-based view of my identity. Even had they been without the inherent prejudice of such a view, most people here simply assumed that I was operating with the same narrow, ego-based conception of self which with they operated, as cultural “individuals” themselves.
I simply didn’t have that going on. I tried to be polite and wait for an explanation,- at times, I even asked quite plaintively for one — but nobody gave me any.I had no idea of what this individualistic game was, or that it was to be worked in this way, with each individual asserting their own narrowly defined ego-identities.
But after a long while, I became really stressed. Chronic fatigue. Extreme immune weakness and general debility. I couldn’t think clearly at times, probably because of an systemic candida infection. So, I didn’t have a chance to assimilate then either.
When I managed to recover from this to a large degree — I entered a workplace where I was bullied because of my origins and because I thought differently. That was when I began to read Nietzsche and get a clue about what the western ego identity was supposed to be all about. Unfortunately, perhaps, the salient idea of being an evil nazi-type also attracted me around this time. I was so pissed off by now. The anger I had been directing inwards, to the great cost of my health, now sought a more healthy outwards discharge.
Then I began to adopt the evil nazi persona to some degree. I thought I’d uncovered this society’s Achilles heel — moreover that this otherwise culturally apathetic, emotionally flattened society had shown me nothing but its Achilles heel, and furthermore had supplied me with the poison-arrow. This was really just a defensive screen for me, whilst I sought to find the underlying truth to my cultural and subjective pains.
Now I am semi-assimilated because I at least understand the western ego-ideal. I understand it, but I think that the most common version of it is very petty, and touches very little on the various experiences I have had so far, which are far-reaching and at times extreme experiences. I can’t forget them.
Quite the.
Wow!!!That was deep and intense. And so ambiguous, I think I understood it, but I probably didn’t… Extreme individualism is so appealing. Nietzsche was a genius. I get such feelings sometimes too, though I actually ENJOY having an antagonistic relationship with the society at large. It’s invigorating!
Why thank you for your comments. It’s pretty ambiguous, but it makes more sense in the overall context of my autobiography, which you and others may read online. I welcome any comments or suggestions.As for extreme individualism, it depends…. It is often a very good option, or even last resort.
Well at least you’re not bitter about not being “invited to assimilate.”Honestly, all of that shit is overrated – at the time it sort of blows, sure, but when you get past the high school years of desperately seeking acceptance, you realize it’s far more valuable to be an individual.This I say unto you from my years of experience.
Hi ArmaedesAssimilation may be overrated, from you own experience. However, at times, I wish that I wish I could have avoided the experience of being bullied at work because I was a white person from Zimbabwe. I also wish that I didn’t have to then be bullied by my parents, in a way that very much slowed down my recovery from my physical workplace injuries — all because they were angry at me for not “making it” in rhe Australian workplace. I think that finding a way to avoid those things could have really helped me. However, as you can tell, I am still the master of the British understatement.